I am beginning to understand how time can suck the life out of us if we let it. How as we ‘mature’ the number of devastating things we experience chips away at our belief that life is supposed to be fun. That joy is our birthright and that even though it can be so hard, we can enjoy commensurate levels of happiness. If we surrender our awareness and get carried along, we will get thrashed around and it will hurt more than it would if we paid attention and acted with intention.
Last year losing my dearest Daddy introduced me to depths of grief and sadness I had no idea it was possible to contain. I was equally schooled in what it means to experience vast spectrums of emotions at the same time; pain at what I had lost and utter joy in magnificent memories. All of this was and continues to offer me education in my capacity to expansively experience my life - the good, the easy, the testing and the straight up horrible things. This grief was epic, yet straightforward because I had lost someone who I always treasured.
Recently I have been introduced to another level of life’s emotional complication; in summer the girls’ father died. It was sudden and unexpected, he was way too young to die making the situation extremely tragic. Our relationship was very complicated. We went to school together and have shared much common history but there was a violence present in our relationship that I left behind after many years of hoping things would change. The layers of complexity because of the past and what had developed in more recent years created webs of confusion and incomplete resolutions for our family. There was always a hope that at some point it would be possible to intentionally mend what had been broken enough to cultivate a harmony of sorts, but that was not to be.
Our situation is not unique, many of us know all too well the pain of abuse. When this trails into loss before resolution in whatever guise can be accessed for those on the receiving end the resulting residue reignites old wounds, at times torturously so. What life left unfinished produces a fertile playground for the mind to wander. The places it explores leave us further undone when we don’t have ways to understand our lives on a bigger scale. Grief - the sense of loss where the emotions are so competing is mind bending.
The bewilderment laced with relief, the shock intertwined with confusion. The regret of things undone that will never get to see the light of possibility and the finality of end of life with all the remains unfinished for eternity. I remember when I went through losing my Dad finding peace in his loss was largely influenced by the purity and ease of our relationship knowing that if the converse were true, the journey may not be as smooth. And here I am within 18 months traversing this very terrain.
So what can we do? How do we figure out these discrepancies?
My invitation to you, whatever the details of the complicated emotions that you are facing, sit with them, give yourself the opportunity to feel the feelings because they will not leave you if you don’t. They will seek nooks to hide themselves away poised to resurface when you least expect them. They will find ways to play on your mind and keep you locked in the desire to avoid them so strongly that they will occupy much too valuable real estate in your brain…. Have the hard conversations with all the people concerned that are willing to speak with you so that you can make resolutions. Journal the thoughts with curiosity so you can transmute the energy of the thoughts AND you can stop spending energy on them. Do the things that get your energy moving in your body - walk, dance, run, practise your practice so that your movement also alchemises what feels too big to face in thought and feeling alone and know that this is also a part of the process. And then, make yourself available to do the continuing inner work that the complicated emotions throw up for you so that you can integrate them and truly move on.
For me I keep rising to my desire for peace. When the fear in remembering that I am the only parent left on this earth for my girls, I get peace from knowing I have been doing this all their lives, and I get to keep going with it by trusting myself more deeply and loving on them with all I have. If the questions come from my babies about what all this means, I listen knowing that them having a space to speak and air their experiences allows them to feel supported and seen. I know that the weeks surrounding this grief will not automatically be terminated with the passage of time, the significance of this event has the potential to keep unfolding over a lifetime and with that there will continue to be opportunities for me to grow and for me to expand my choice to find peace at every turn.
My wish for you is you grab the testing that life offers you as opportunities to grow and evolve because this is another way to live, one that reminds you your power is ever present and not determined by your circumstances.