I have a theme - something that keeps showing up in my life. I initially saw its roots in my personal development and healing journey, but over time I’ve come to realise it is in fact in all areas of my life.
It is the invitation to remember that life is a continuous journey of never ending unfolding. So much so, that if we stop unfolding, we cease to live in that part of our lives.
It sounds so brutal yet perfectly clear. It is what Jim Rohn refers to as “the Law of Use - whatever you don't use, you lose. Lack of use causes loss”. In ignorance of this I spent so much time wishing to not have to think about parts of who I was, willing myself to consign them to being ‘sorted’ so I could go on with ‘other’ living.
I was so desperate to no longer have to think about challenging aspects of me and the emotions that came with them. The fear that strangled the breath from me and woke me at night. Or the pain that came to life and had me paralysed when it sprung forth, activated from words uttered by another.
I wanted to be able to ‘arrive’ at proficiency in hard things so that I could go on autopilot and not have to think too much about what was required of me.
Wishing my life into routine had me completely missing the point. I was so way off track and lost about where ease would eventually come from that I sought to numb myself of anything that either felt too difficult or that required what I thought was too much of my focus.
I know part of this desire was born of the fact that one ever told me what life was really about. Probably because no one had told them either. In the absence of explicit guidance to this effect, I picked up my understanding of life from witnessing examples of struggle around me.
Struggle in relationships, poor communication giving rise to conflict and misunderstandings.
Struggle in powering through misaligned lives doing what was supposed to be done whilst lacking fulfilment.
And most deeply embedded, struggles to steer the course of self belief and inner faith. This was something with hindsight I articulate better than I could whilst I witnessed it, nonetheless it stayed with me.
A template of struggle had me unconsciously begging to abandon what felt uncomfortable.
Along the road of devotion to healing and developing myself I was able to bit by bit come to terms with the fact that my themes were my themes. They were set such a long time ago and created the powerful imprints that were mine to unravel in this lifetime, but it still felt frustrating when they showed up again and again like I had never made progress (sigh and eye roll 🫢) It wasn’t until I began to walk the path of grief over the loss of my daddy that I truly understood the course of unfolding.
My grief unearthed an expanded capacity in my emotional range. A knowing that the breadth of my ability to feel the loss of our 3D relationship was matched by the depth of love and gratitude I had for having known such a phenomenal person and being lucky enough to call him daddy. As time moved on the experience of polarity continued (and continues) to unfurl as new life experiences arrived.
Every milestone has invited me to know his absence anew, never having had the potential to share it with him. But the thought of rejecting this process of unfolding in an attempt to have it ‘fixed or feel that I am sorted’ I could never entertain.
I learned to look at it as a part of a gift of beautiful sadness. An appreciation that whilst breath moves through me I am able to make choices to stay connected with all parts of me and value them for what they bring to me and my life.
Some have brought pain, some have brought joy some have brought laughter and introspection each one a gift, a testament to the life that has continued to breathe into this relationship despite the nature and form of it being made different.
Being steadfast in my breath-work has allowed me to sit with new aspirations and find ways back to ease with the especially tricky to feel emotions.
Through my Reiki practice I have contemplated the bigger meaning of humanness when I can let myself be supported by the unforeseen forces of love in the universe.
If I had continued to seek being sorted through this experience I would have prematurely laid this part of me to rest through lack of use and that really would have been a loss.
Instead this perceived ending has continued to shout out to me that the end is never really the end, and the particular beauty it carries has helped me to continue to appreciate the continuous unfolding of my life ❣️